I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
