Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
