My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
