Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
