Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
