Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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