The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
