Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
