Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
