Just cropdusted the office
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
