I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
