Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
