shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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