He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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