I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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