I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
