i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
