Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
