i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
