Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
