Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
