if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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