My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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