Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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