I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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