Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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