I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
