I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Drunk is not a location!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
