thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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