When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
