I'm gonna have a badass scar
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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