If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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