If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
