I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
