i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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