I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
