Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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