I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
