Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she told me i tasted like america
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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