I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
