very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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