Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
