can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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