well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
