The maid of honor just puked.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
