You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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