Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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