It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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