my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
