I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
