I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
