true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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