11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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