my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
